When the message popped up on my dating app, the attraction was immediate. He was tall and stocky with a square jaw framed by a dark beard with flecks of silver. He had eyes as blue as ice on fire.
His attraction to me seemed just as strong. We started texting, and it was evident that we really wanted to meet each other. Then I re-read his profile, which clearly stated one thing: Open relationship.
I asked him about it, and he stated there would be no chance of anything more serious. If we met, it would also be his first time doing this in years.
If you’ve been on a gay dating app lately, you’ll know that there are almost more men in open relationships than closed ones. Since my last boyfriend and now, something definitely has shifted in the dating landscape.
When I was younger, an open relationship never really felt like an option. Maybe it was because most of my relationships didn’t last too long. I also used to think that an open relationship was an excuse—that it was for couples who weren’t still in love with each other but were too afraid to lose the security of their partner.
But now, many of my friends, after years of being together, have opened their relationships up, for various reasons. Many say love evolves and changes into something more profound—maybe less passionate physically, but deeper in other ways. They say they realize physical and sexual needs cannot be sustained by one person alone.
Or maybe they just have a freer sense of the traditional hetero-normative idea of a relationship. For me — in the past, anyway — this would be an admission that love doesn’t conquer all, and I guess I struggle to let that go. But maybe I’m wrong.
Even though I knew that this guy would lead to nothing long-term, I really wanted to meet him. After all, does everything have to be about the end game? Besides, I hadn’t been dating for a while, and to be honest, I just loved that I felt something.
After a few more conversations, we decided to meet the following weekend at a gorgeous beach about 90 minutes between him and me. He would be coming from the south, and I from the north.
I liked the way he talked. We both decided that we didn’t want to say too much. Nowadays, everything is already discovered before you even meet someone, like some checklist or ready-to-order menu:
Sexual preferences and roles, how the guy looks with his clothes off. No undiscovered country at all.
With none of that usual information, we were both in a powerful space of potentiality. I was more turned on than ever, and so was he.
Finally, Saturday came, and I was giddy. I got on a morning train headed down the coast to Tarragona. He told me he was in his car, driving from down south.
The train finally pulled into the station. I loved it all. It was like something out of a novel, with the main character being the unexpected.
What was going to happen next?
He told me to look for a red car parked nearby. I quickly exited the station, spotted the car and slowly walked over. He was even more gorgeous in person. We greeted each other with a warm embrace. To be honest, I think we hugged twice. I had a fire in my belly, and it felt wonderful.
He told me more about himself as we drove along the coast. He said he had lived overseas and had a very stressful, hectic life and that his health suffered from it. Now he was just taking time off to reset, get healthy and figure out where he wanted to go from here. I, too, told him that I was in a moment of transition in my life.
As he was talking to me, he looked over at me once and did a double-take. He said to me: Que guapo eres, which means you’re so handsome.
Wow. Fireworks inside.
I loved watching him as he drove. The anticipation was electric. I couldn’t wait to get there so I could touch him again.
We finally parked and had to walk about a kilometre to the beach, along sand and up onto the cliffs. We paused for a second and looked out over the Mediterranean. He grabbed me and gave me a long kiss. My heart was pounding, and my whole body felt alive.
We continued through a pine forest and finally made the long descent down into a cove. The beach was more crowded than we wanted, but we found a semi-secluded spot to set up the umbrella.
Since we were both boiling, we immediately ran into the water, quite cold but incredibly refreshing in late spring. We waded out quite a bit, but the water still waist high. We faced each other, and then we kissed again. Even with the cold water, I felt an amazing heat inside me. That moment was even more incredible, feeling his wet body against mine.
There’s something even more erotic that lies within that space between restraint and total abandon. When you are completely in the moment and vibrating in that space, that’s entirely in the present moment.
We eventually waded back to shore and got under the umbrella’s protection. For the next few hours, we talked about life. We held each other and looked into each other’s eyes. I lay on his chest and felt his strong embrace holding me tight. Everything felt so right, so relaxed, like a dream I’ve had a million times.
After a long while, we both decided this was torture; we wanted to explore each other more deeply, away from the eyes of others. We packed up and headed deeper into the woods and the heavy smell of pine and salty sea. Late afternoon sun glinted through the trees. Finally, we found a more private spot. We took off our shirts and kissed passionately, taking each other, finally, with no hesitation. Being there in nature with this amazingly attractive, intelligent, decent man, finally being able to explore everything, was such a sweet release.
It’s a moment I will never forget.
For the next few days I replayed all the moments in my head, just revelling in them. I wanted to text him, but I thought I’d wait a while. Then he texted me. He asked me how I was, and I told him how I loved the electricity and connection between us. His responses were a little more guarded, but it felt good that this wasn’t just going to vanish in a puff of smoke.
A week passed, and I texted him again. He said he was just thinking about me when I wrote. Another smile came over me. He told me he was about to travel down to visit his partner and was preparing to tell him he had been with someone else, as that was what they had agreed.
I asked him if I could text him occasionally, and he said yes — but maybe with less intimate words. I was a bit disappointed that he didn’t text back that he felt the same way. But then he admitted that the situation limits what he can say to me and ‘clips his wings’ a little. It felt good to know he was probably feeling it even if he wasn’t saying it. A few weeks later, a wise friend told me that maybe he didn’t say too much because he was protecting me, too.
He said he hoped to see me in September once all the travelling was over. I told him I might have a boyfriend by then. I guess part of me wanted him to be jealous. But what was I thinking? What was I expecting? I guess I just didn’t want to feel available to him at the drop of a hat. As they say, Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? He said, well, if that happens, then we can be friends. Very mature of him, to be honest.
I said it would be hard not to touch him, but I agreed. I told him: Just know that someone here is thinking about you.
I decided to leave it at that. He was about to tell his partner about us, and I didn’t want to complicate things. I wanted to give him breathing room. Weeks have gone by now, and our conversation has slowly slipped down the list of WhatsApp messages and out of sight.
I think about him often, and I always wish him well in my mind. I wonder if I will see him again in September. Or maybe I’ll just have to hold that day in my heart as one of the most beautiful experiences in my life.
Damn, I should have kissed him one more time at the station.
Now, after a bit of time, I’m asking myself what this experience showed me.
How free or real can a guy be in an open relationship? It may be open, but he will always be holding something back, won’t he? And how open can I be if I know our interaction is temporary? I have to be protective of my heart, too.
I also wonder if my idea of ‘real love’ is somehow diluted by these experiences. That, somehow, it’s teaching me to love less deeply, or at least that love has to be looked at in a more realistic light. I don’t know; maybe it’s a good thing that I’m burning away the illusion.
And what did this experience do to him and his relationship? How is he navigating all of this? Did he realize he loved his partner more deeply? Was the moment worth risking the possibility of hurting someone you love?
Perhaps the experience was so perfect because we didn’t have those usual burdens of everyday life. Those things that tug and tear on a committed relationship. Maybe the beauty in it all was knowing it wouldn’t be forever. The magic was, once again, in that space between having and not having, between what’s about to happen and what will.
I got a brief glimpse into this man’s life, getting the precious gift of experiencing his unbridled passion. I know the price I may have to pay is a little heartache down the road, but sometimes, a little heartache is worth a memory like that. I got a fleeting glimpse of what could be with him and, maybe more importantly, a reminder of how things could be with someone else.
All I know is that now, I have this perfect snapshot in time that I can keep forever in my box of memories.
And who knows? September will come soon enough.
Society + Culture
Boyfriend for a Day: The Joys and Perils of Gay Open-Relationship Dating
Sometimes, the anticipation of a moment is worth it all. But after it happens, then what?
13 June 2024 / Published in Prism &Pen on Medium
Photo credits / AI-generated image by the author on OpenArt AI
When the message popped up on my dating app, the attraction was immediate. He was tall and stocky with a square jaw framed by a dark beard with flecks of silver. He had eyes as blue as ice on fire.
His attraction to me seemed just as strong. We started texting, and it was evident that we really wanted to meet each other. Then I re-read his profile, which clearly stated one thing: Open relationship.
I asked him about it, and he stated there would be no chance of anything more serious. If we met, it would also be his first time doing this in years.
If you’ve been on a gay dating app lately, you’ll know that there are almost more men in open relationships than closed ones. Since my last boyfriend and now, something definitely has shifted in the dating landscape.
When I was younger, an open relationship never really felt like an option. Maybe it was because most of my relationships didn’t last too long. I also used to think that an open relationship was an excuse—that it was for couples who weren’t still in love with each other but were too afraid to lose the security of their partner.
But now, many of my friends, after years of being together, have opened their relationships up, for various reasons. Many say love evolves and changes into something more profound—maybe less passionate physically, but deeper in other ways. They say they realize physical and sexual needs cannot be sustained by one person alone.
Or maybe they just have a freer sense of the traditional hetero-normative idea of a relationship. For me — in the past, anyway — this would be an admission that love doesn’t conquer all, and I guess I struggle to let that go. But maybe I’m wrong.
Even though I knew that this guy would lead to nothing long-term, I really wanted to meet him. After all, does everything have to be about the end game? Besides, I hadn’t been dating for a while, and to be honest, I just loved that I felt something.
After a few more conversations, we decided to meet the following weekend at a gorgeous beach about 90 minutes between him and me. He would be coming from the south, and I from the north.
I liked the way he talked. We both decided that we didn’t want to say too much. Nowadays, everything is already discovered before you even meet someone, like some checklist or ready-to-order menu:
Sexual preferences and roles, how the guy looks with his clothes off. No undiscovered country at all.
With none of that usual information, we were both in a powerful space of potentiality. I was more turned on than ever, and so was he.
Finally, Saturday came, and I was giddy. I got on a morning train headed down the coast to Tarragona. He told me he was in his car, driving from down south.
The train finally pulled into the station. I loved it all. It was like something out of a novel, with the main character being the unexpected.
What was going to happen next?
He told me to look for a red car parked nearby. I quickly exited the station, spotted the car and slowly walked over. He was even more gorgeous in person. We greeted each other with a warm embrace. To be honest, I think we hugged twice. I had a fire in my belly, and it felt wonderful.
He told me more about himself as we drove along the coast. He said he had lived overseas and had a very stressful, hectic life and that his health suffered from it. Now he was just taking time off to reset, get healthy and figure out where he wanted to go from here. I, too, told him that I was in a moment of transition in my life.
As he was talking to me, he looked over at me once and did a double-take. He said to me: Que guapo eres, which means you’re so handsome.
Wow. Fireworks inside.
I loved watching him as he drove. The anticipation was electric. I couldn’t wait to get there so I could touch him again.
We finally parked and had to walk about a kilometre to the beach, along sand and up onto the cliffs. We paused for a second and looked out over the Mediterranean. He grabbed me and gave me a long kiss. My heart was pounding, and my whole body felt alive.
We continued through a pine forest and finally made the long descent down into a cove. The beach was more crowded than we wanted, but we found a semi-secluded spot to set up the umbrella.
Since we were both boiling, we immediately ran into the water, quite cold but incredibly refreshing in late spring. We waded out quite a bit, but the water still waist high. We faced each other, and then we kissed again. Even with the cold water, I felt an amazing heat inside me. That moment was even more incredible, feeling his wet body against mine.
There’s something even more erotic that lies within that space between restraint and total abandon. When you are completely in the moment and vibrating in that space, that’s entirely in the present moment.
We eventually waded back to shore and got under the umbrella’s protection. For the next few hours, we talked about life. We held each other and looked into each other’s eyes. I lay on his chest and felt his strong embrace holding me tight. Everything felt so right, so relaxed, like a dream I’ve had a million times.
After a long while, we both decided this was torture; we wanted to explore each other more deeply, away from the eyes of others. We packed up and headed deeper into the woods and the heavy smell of pine and salty sea. Late afternoon sun glinted through the trees. Finally, we found a more private spot. We took off our shirts and kissed passionately, taking each other, finally, with no hesitation. Being there in nature with this amazingly attractive, intelligent, decent man, finally being able to explore everything, was such a sweet release.
It’s a moment I will never forget.
For the next few days I replayed all the moments in my head, just revelling in them. I wanted to text him, but I thought I’d wait a while. Then he texted me. He asked me how I was, and I told him how I loved the electricity and connection between us. His responses were a little more guarded, but it felt good that this wasn’t just going to vanish in a puff of smoke.
A week passed, and I texted him again. He said he was just thinking about me when I wrote. Another smile came over me. He told me he was about to travel down to visit his partner and was preparing to tell him he had been with someone else, as that was what they had agreed.
I asked him if I could text him occasionally, and he said yes — but maybe with less intimate words. I was a bit disappointed that he didn’t text back that he felt the same way. But then he admitted that the situation limits what he can say to me and ‘clips his wings’ a little. It felt good to know he was probably feeling it even if he wasn’t saying it. A few weeks later, a wise friend told me that maybe he didn’t say too much because he was protecting me, too.
He said he hoped to see me in September once all the travelling was over. I told him I might have a boyfriend by then. I guess part of me wanted him to be jealous. But what was I thinking? What was I expecting? I guess I just didn’t want to feel available to him at the drop of a hat. As they say, Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? He said, well, if that happens, then we can be friends. Very mature of him, to be honest.
I said it would be hard not to touch him, but I agreed. I told him: Just know that someone here is thinking about you.
I decided to leave it at that. He was about to tell his partner about us, and I didn’t want to complicate things. I wanted to give him breathing room. Weeks have gone by now, and our conversation has slowly slipped down the list of WhatsApp messages and out of sight.
I think about him often, and I always wish him well in my mind. I wonder if I will see him again in September. Or maybe I’ll just have to hold that day in my heart as one of the most beautiful experiences in my life.
Damn, I should have kissed him one more time at the station.
Now, after a bit of time, I’m asking myself what this experience showed me.
How free or real can a guy be in an open relationship? It may be open, but he will always be holding something back, won’t he? And how open can I be if I know our interaction is temporary? I have to be protective of my heart, too.
I also wonder if my idea of ‘real love’ is somehow diluted by these experiences. That, somehow, it’s teaching me to love less deeply, or at least that love has to be looked at in a more realistic light. I don’t know; maybe it’s a good thing that I’m burning away the illusion.
And what did this experience do to him and his relationship? How is he navigating all of this? Did he realize he loved his partner more deeply? Was the moment worth risking the possibility of hurting someone you love?
Perhaps the experience was so perfect because we didn’t have those usual burdens of everyday life. Those things that tug and tear on a committed relationship. Maybe the beauty in it all was knowing it wouldn’t be forever. The magic was, once again, in that space between having and not having, between what’s about to happen and what will.
I got a brief glimpse into this man’s life, getting the precious gift of experiencing his unbridled passion. I know the price I may have to pay is a little heartache down the road, but sometimes, a little heartache is worth a memory like that. I got a fleeting glimpse of what could be with him and, maybe more importantly, a reminder of how things could be with someone else.
All I know is that now, I have this perfect snapshot in time that I can keep forever in my box of memories.
And who knows? September will come soon enough.